It was a love marriage. Objectives: The study investigated the causes of polygamy, outcomes, and women's coping strategies to deal with co-wives relationships. Theyd been happily married for 15 years when she received the shock of her life. He didn't want to leave his first wife because they had already had 4 children together. But surprisingly enough, she understood and agreed to it. It means if your husband is a citizen or green card holder, he. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, people are far less accepting of a second wife. They dream big. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology. Since that we gave importance, care and love toward each other, i accept his proposal. In Muslim families the textual basis is provided by the Holy Quran for the practice of polygamy: "Marry women of your choice two, or three, or four, but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them) then only one". In literature, the problems faced by polygamous women were highlighted. Since this is nobody's tremulous, maiden love affair, get ready to handle some emotional baggage as a second wife. Later on, she came to know her husband has married her with the support of his family for a male child. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. As she stated, "out of sight, saying of mind.". Its not a series of glittering evenings drinking martinis in smoky bars. Invest in the future today. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry received 934 citations as per google scholar report, Research Article - ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry (2021), Received: 20-Nov-2021 Tarrant County Mugshots 2020, Who Is The Black Woman In The Audi Commercial, Why Does Shrimp Foam When Boiled, Cdl Speeding Ticket 15 Over In California . I knew society is very cruel and it would be very tough for me to bring up them without father." International Journal of Mental Health. To find out the reasons for multiple spouses by men. The positive side of the study is to explore the advantages and strategies used by polygamous women were very significant. Provide the three areas that were Islamized. Table 2: Frequency of co-wives for jealousy, unhappiness, loneliness and sharing household chores as consequences of polygamous marriages (N=11). It is permissible for women and their family guardians to stipulate a condition in the marriage contract that the husband may not marry a second wife against her will. My husband is as much a second husband as Im a second wife. They know what they want and work hard they dont just take the mans words as the Bible.. Carol Lynn Pearson's new book argues that many, if not most, Mormon women feel pain and fear at the prospect of sharing their husbands with at . A nurse brought me this far she took me into her arms and her home and decided she would be my mother. In some countries like India, Iran, Iraq, Bangladesh, Algeria, Lebanon, Morocco, Jordan, and Kuwait allow a woman to include a clause prohibiting polygyny in marriage contacts. How Is It Different From Marriage Counseling? They also threatened her with divorce. Makes sense if there is no balance between males and females in a region. Polygamy is often confused with polyamory and bigamy. Somehow, you probably have always pictured someone who has never been married. According to Ali Kurbanov, a 27-year-old practicing Muslim who is also looking for a second wife, it is difficult for a woman to agree to her husband's second marriage, however, if a woman. So finding a man who respects women like uBaba is a blessing, The two women share the home duties between them, taking turns cooking and cleaning, and their six children help with the dishes and other household duties. Normally the husband stays in the main house and then the wives have their own homes outside, Lillian explains. Polyamory is not just about sex, both Farmer and Schippers point out, whereas open marriages, open relationships and swinging tend to emphasize the sexual parts of a relationship. Being Muslim doesn't change the biology of pain, of envy, and of sadnessthese are human emotions that are consequences of the act. 2014. Published: In addition, the interpretive phenomenological analysis (IPA) was used to generate a wide range of perceptions and opinions that women carry out about their experiences in polygamous family structures. You are a little older now, and you learned some harsh realities. The second wife will have all of these extra people in her life that she never bargained for and it can be a lonely or isolating feeling. The world is their oyster. Even extended family like grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc., may not ever see you as an actual parent of the other persons biological child. She was blended with her husband by love marriage. 2019; 86(3): 1332-1370. The design was flexible and consent was taken for an in-depth interview. : A Liberal Case Against Polygamy. Initially, uBaba wanted me to stop working and look after the business as well but my calling is nursing, says a shy Thembi, 52, as she finally joins the conversation. My mother is a retired teacher and my dad could never keep a job, so she supported us. READ MORE:After Criselda Dudumashe recently shared how her husband allegedly beat her up we thought we'd remind women how they can seek help. Wed both been married before, but does that really matter? Its a hard stigma to run away from and can lead to many second marriage challenges. Thobejane TD, Flora T. An exploration of polygamous marriages: A worldview. All interviews were audio-taped, transcribed verbatim, and were then analyzed by interpretive phenomenological analysis. READ MORE:Customary law know your rights. And more children too they are all so respectful and loving, a clear example of the home theyre being brought up in.. Polygamous women though claimed that polygamy has disadvantages but to them, divorce is not an option. Couples Therapy: Whats the Difference? We have also learned of situations where a man is forced by his family to take a second wife because his parents disapprove of his first wife for any number of reasons (they didn't choose her, his mother no longer likes her, she's not the right nationality, ethnicity, skin tone, caste, race etc). The difficulty is usually with the first wife. I don't care about the feelings of his first wife, his first . The co-wives were approached from their homes. The co-wives shared their several experiences and reasons why they allowed their husbands for 2nd or 3rd marriage. Appointments were previously taken and the interviews were conducted at their places for their convenience. This is by far the most common (and the most frequently legal) form of polygamy. Mrs. Amir had no baby so she said, "It's Allah's plan for me and I have accepted my fate". The surprise is this: when the moment comes, the man jumps with alacrity. The applicant argued that the second woman's marriage was invalid because she, the first wife, had not consented to it: a notion upheld by the North Gauteng High Court. Journalism strengthens democracy. She was a nurse and divorce. She does not have an apartment . The statistics are stacked against you, Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. I am the grown-up woman he married as a grown-up man. It's like when you are a kid, and you have had the same best friend since you were a baby; then, suddenly, in high school, you have a new best friend. Life as a co-wife wasn't easy for Cecilia; she started being mistreated by the second wife. Lillian, for example, says she changed her mind because she could see how sorry Thamsanqa was for hurting her, and when he explained his reasons she was able to move from heartbreak to acceptance. She explained" in the beginning, my husband ignored me and my daughters and reduces the monthly income for my children. All are located in new apartment buildings in good neighborhoods; their total value is about $5 million. She told that My in-laws had not good relationships with the first wife of my husband. 2002; 32(1-2): 58-66. She was living with her husband first 10 years of her marriage. Al-Krenawi A, Graham JR, Ben-Shimol-Jacobsen S. Attitudes toward and reasons for polygamy differentiated by gender and age among Bedouin-Arabs of the Negev. International Journal of Law, Policy and the Family. The first theme was generated from the verbatim of the first question which was asked to polygamous women. Only 11 of the 26 women agreed to participate in the study. Formal permission was taken from the institution for data collection. She said, "1st wife of my husband is working so 2nd wife of my husband and I used to manage the household chores. Some children may not accept a new mother or father figure, so instilling values or upholding rules with them may prove difficult. She said "After it, my husband was not trustworthy for me anymore. Understand that he couldve cheated, but rather chose something that is common in African culture. Thamsanqa says its important to make sure you really want another wife, and to thoroughly analyse your reasons. Second theme: outcomes of polygamy as jealousy, unhappiness, and loneliness due to injustice, by the spouse were explored as potential pitfalls of polygamy. She was in severe depression after this trauma. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding. He killed her when I was nine years old and he was arrested. I'm seven months pregnant. It protects the families from contracting sexually transmitted diseases and possible deviation to an illegal sexual association [3]. I defended my mother and my dad just watched everything unfold. After three years of this, Eva decided to file for divorce but her husband, Evelyn says, is still trying to milk her for all her money. The study investigated the causes of polygamy, outcomes, and women's coping strategies to deal with co-wives relationships. The study was conducted in 2017 with approval from the institution and polygamous women. READ MORE:Surviving a polygamous marriage. In Pakistani culture, infertility can be one of the reasons but exploring other factors like love marriage and family pressure, and religious reference are also common factors. 5. Can I marry second wife? 2007; 21(1), 108-127. She stated, When I allowed my husband to marry a second wife, then God blessed me to have a child (translated from Urdu to English). This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the second wife syndrome. Here are some signs that you have allowed the second wife syndrome to fester in your home: Being a second wife to a married man can be overwhelming, and if you are not cautious enough, you might find yourself stuck in a loop of insecurities. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. 1.Why your spouse (husband) preferred 2nd or 3rd marriage? Whats not typically expected is becoming a second wife. Note that I said "freely" - emotionally guilt tripping women, threatening them with divorce or withholding custody of their children from them, and other such nefarious tactics to pressure women into 'accepting polygamy' are not equivalent to consent without coercion. Tabi MM, Doster C, Cheney T. A qualitative study of women in polygynous marriages. Cecilia says her husband married a second wife purely for his own physical desires and greed. I couldn't sleep properly, I was crying.'. Mrs. Ahmad being 2nd wife told that after second marriage "I and my co-wife did not get along; our children also did not get along, and there was constant bickering between us. She stated I prefer not to attend the same social function or activity with my rival (co-wife). Unfortunately, those stereotypes are not accurate. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry (MyCite Report). She also said, "'my children and 1 should get a fair and deserving share of the marriage and properties". Stanford University Press. 3. An interview guide was prepared before conducting interviews which were consisted of the following research questions based on literature. I live in a rented flat and pay half the rent. But over the years, as we get in our 30s and 40s, we mature and realize that life just happens, no matter if you plan for other things. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry peer review process verified at publons. Mrs. Kamal helped to take care of her co-wife and her new born. This practice of taking on another wife while still married to the first one is called polygamy, not to be confused with origami - which is the art of folding colored papers. His first marriage counted. I was so sad and heartbroken to the point of not speaking to him for three days! After calming down Lillian communicated her feelings and concerns to Thamsanqa, and he explained his point of view. There are many stereotypes associated with being a second wife. The disadvantage of being a second wife Sense of insecurity The second wife will face insecurity toward her husband which will take her in a severe sense of doubts and auspiciousness. Archives of Women's Mental Health. Few helped financially in return for child-rearing to the senior wives. Tandler N, Petersen LE. She was the first wife of her husband and it was a happy arranged marriage. Shes a nurse, not one of those rude ones, and she was kind and very helpful. Many young women might regard being a second wife better than remaining single. Unhappiness and loneliness: Mrs. Gulzar was unhappy about a lot of things in the marriage. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. She has never absolved me from the sin of being happy. Avoiding adultery According to WorldCat, 99 percent of polygamous married men use this reason as justification for their undertakings. It can be a challenge if wounds from old relationships arent quite healed. International Journal of Social Psychiatry. Outcomes of polygamous marriages were a second theme generated by evaluating the relationships of co-wives. And what if one of the wives has a problem with the way her husband is treating her? This was a very uncertain and painful time for me. Lower incentive to cheat in a marriage. But it was a happy marriage for her with 2 children (one boy and one girl). King MT. Family Process. Female infanticide and killing women for giving birth to a baby girl a case study of Pakistan inproceedings of socioint14-international conference on social sciences and humanities. They adhere to the rules that all three of us set for them, like normal children. Zakhele walks in with his youngest brother, Thembekile*, 2, in his arms. While a second marriage can be successful, its still a relationship composed of two imperfect people. Different coping strategies have been explored to deal with the co-wives relationship by women to share their mutual husbands. Women also support their men for polygamy if they are facing infertility to secure their marriage instead of divorce [4]. Mrs. Kamran was the 2nd wife, working in a hospital. Holloway ID, Ansari D. Mapping numerical magnitudes onto symbols: The numerical distance effect and individual differences in childrens mathematics achievement. It could have been the man's problem too. Mrs. Imam was the first wife with a love marriage and she had two female children in three years. It just means that being a second wife comes with a lot of challenges along the way. Here are 9 challenges of being a second wife to watch out for: Oh, this is your second wife. There is just something you feel from people when they realize you are the second wife; like you are the consolation prize, only second place. These findings have implications for policymakers and family advisors. It can be challenging when you expect those normally happen times of the year to be a certain way, but then they arent so much. Participant Mrs. Abdullah stated that in her pain after her 1st husband's death and later divorce from her previous husband due to barrenness when she met her third husband who dealt her effectively with her emotional pain. Evelyn*, 32, tells DRUM her mother's experience was awful. youre over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. 2014; 5(27): 1058-1058. Instituting change for women in a male-dominated society is a daunting task; however, it is essential. Shed dropped out of school to help her sick grandmother, Nomqondiso, when Thamsanqa asked her for her hand in marriage. Lillian had twins Zakhele* and Zanele* (now 39), and thought she and her husband were happy. Jealousy: Jealousy is a common response to protect ones relationship [14]. He might marry a second wife before his divorce is complete, for example. So she said I always support my husband for equal treatment with all wives because this life is much better than the previous one." "We injoi it and feele to prase the Lord." disadvantages of being a second wife islam. She said that she convinced her husband for 2nd marriage because of her illness. 2006; 52(1): 5-17. The advantages of polygamy were included sharing in-house responsibilities and child-rearing. The sensitivity and the comfort level of discussing polygyny may have affected the sample size. Polyandry is a specific term used to describe marriages between one wife and at least two husbands. Journal of Moral Philosophy. Practicing polygamy as a legal permanent resident can lead to deportation, as can a criminal conviction for bigamy. The study describes the different experiences, reasons behind polygamy, its outcomes, and the coping strategies used by first, second, and third wives. But the current qualitative study is an attempt to fill the gaps that are left unexposed by survey-based or quantitative research and particularly to explore the positive consequences of polygamy and coping strategies which the polygamous women used to deal with co-wives relationships other than causes and disadvantages of co-wives. In another study man's wife having been diagnosed with a mental health problem, infertility, a man has only daughters or having children mentally and physically sick or man's wife older than he is, and exchange marriage are common reasons were discussed in a previous study. It's a common misconception that polygamy means one man married to multiple wives. In the modern-day polygamy is not as much disputed as in the past. Brigham Young and His Wives. These themes emerged in 3 main themes as Causes of polygamy, outcomes of polygamy, and coping strategies of polygamous women. Mrs. Kamal due to the age factor she was very distressed at the time of her husbands' 2nd marriage but with time she accepted this relationship and had a good relation with 2nd wife and with her children. One Sunday morning Thamsanqa sat her down and asked her how shed feel if he took a second wife. I realized, several years after I remarried, that one of my oldest friends never quite forgave me for getting on with life after my divorce. Decisions made by two people in first families are often made or influenced by four or more adults in stepfamilies. The participants expressed the usage of different coping Strategies in polygamous marriage as religion, fate, compromise, and sisterly bond with co-wives. Al-Krenawi A, Graham JR. A comparison of family functioning, life, and marital satisfaction, and mental health of women in polygamous and monogamous marriages. She told, "I used to cry in isolation". But that doesnt mean that they arent a little wounded. You didnt grow up thinking; I cant wait until I meet a divorced man! Third theme: The coping strategies used by polygamous women have included faith in religion, fate role, and compromise with the co-wives. Obviously, it doesnt mean your marriage will end, just that it is more likely to than the first. One of the hardest aspects of being a second wife is having to deal with the emotional baggage of the failed marriage. Challenges of Polygamy Partiality of husbands: this is where. Mrs. Kamal reported "in the beginning when I thought about the second wife, I engaged myself in different activities because it always hurt me." They get along because this is normal to them they have agreed to it., We live in a world where facts and fiction get blurred. A typical statistic out there now says that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. He was a handsome 25-year-old who worked as a miner, and when he asked her gogo if he could marry Lillian, Nomqondiso agreed. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. disadvantages of being a second wife islam. The study was conducted in 2017 with approval from the institution and polygamous women. She believed that by allowing for a co-wife, she too would be blessed to have a child. Polygamy.com. Your spouse may still have lingering feelings associated with the former marriage, including guilt, shame, regret, anger, sadness, or many others.