if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. I would let him know that you are going to encourage her to hangout with him more, but he needs to also every once in a while do something she loves. So, here is the thing. Um, not so much. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. And musicals should be revered as an art form. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. She wasnt responding to the father though. July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. The thing that really gets me is that my brother, who is not very bookish, isnt doing that well in his classes and only my mother seems to care. Mommy and daddy love each other. EVER. I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. I just dont get it. You dont always have to act like a 12 year old girl in her presence. I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. July 2, 2013, 2:27 pm. LW, your daughter sounds awesome. Well, it made me sad that he didnt want to hear all about The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks when I read that. Make it easier for him to be his best self. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. Parent first, friend second. Absolutely. She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. Contact Us. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). My dad actually doesnt have a whole lot of interests, and if he does, he doesnt like them enough to pursue them. Exactly Lily! I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. On a side note, two weekends ago I went on a family camping trip. The LWs husband sounds like my father. I helped with yard work. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. But you know what? And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. Meh, I wouldnt call him a total jerk, I can see getting frustrated that not only does your daughter not enjoy the samethings as you, but now all of the sudden your wife doesnt either, just because your daughter doesnt. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). LW, I dont think youre siding with your daughter & creating an us against him mentality; you just seem to be describing how your husbands attitude has made you feel more distant towards him as well. bittergaymark So as a clearly NOT fan girl, its pretty good! Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. Otherwise theyll never be able accept the ribbing and teasing that happens in life. He is dedicated and hard-working. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. Grow up, already. Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. I was trying to figure out how to phrase it. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. Are you on Tumblr? Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. Its tough when you realize that your husband and daughter dont get along. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. It took me a long time to get into a relationship; I wanted to find someone. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. Theyre bonding against him because hes being hurtful to both of them. Ill go hiking with you, and I promise to go with an open mind and not complain about it. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. A game of Munchkin would be fun for all its geek references for you, and is playful enough that your husband might enjoy it. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. . 2. Definitely! As an only child, I didnt have to share my parents, and I just happened to love the things my dad loved. We are this little team of 2. And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary This is exactly my experience, too. Oh, This Old House. Required fields are marked *. Most of them are women. To this day we have a great relationship, and now Im able to make the same efforts for him. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. Your email address will not be published. My dad had a This Old House sweatshirt even! July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. Having them spend time alone will foster at least appreciation for each others interests and give them bonding time alone to build the relationship and find common ground now that your daughter is growing up. Usually, yes your car insurance coverage should extend to anyone else driving your car. Over time, you may have begun to feel a little desperate, wondering if there wasnt some sort of underlying game going on. She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. He may feel like he's being left out or that he isn't good enough for his daughter. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. Definitely. Someone gets one out and I want to vomit. WE cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if WE are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell US to stop because it annoys him. The Inner Light Seriously. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. Im from PA, and I watched entirely too much This Old House as a child. But the problem here is not that the daughter dislikes her dads interests. I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. This could be something as simple as going for a walk together after dinner or taking turns reading bedtime stories. But I agree with everything else you said. Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. HA! It makes them feel safe. A good game will bring out the competitiveness in everyone. How so? Hes trying to be a parent to her and teach her what he thinks is important for her to know, while I am trying to encourage her to develop her own interests and do what she loves. But you can help your daughter learn to cope with her feelings and manage her relationship with her father. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. It will also probably be more effective if you can get your children to stand alongside you, at least during the initial intervention and I realise that will be hard. By virtue of him going about his business, I was interested and wanted to participate. Are they driven by some internal fear or do they just get off on the game? I cried myself to sleep. Then my partner came along. And imagine the lesson you would have learned if your dad had rolled his eyes at your piano recital, etc. I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? Their only way out of that entrapment is to keep their partners owing them. He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. Really truly. And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. My mom and I were not friends like this, and she let my dads bullying escalate to keep the peace. Manage Settings Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! The LW should do some serious work in building the bond, and working on her marriage, but I would make sure that the dad is putting in just as much effort. my husband is mean to my daughter Iesha Mulla Iesha is a loving mother of 2 beautiful children. Do you think he liked listening to my fangirlish squees? A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. So insightful! When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. His father worked out of town 5 days a week and was hunting on the weekends during hunting season, so my husband would see him maybe one day a week. He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. bittergaymark To do that, I think she has to be less invested in making sure child is 100% happy 100% of the time and I think she has to rationally explain to her husband how some of his actions are being perceived. Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. But hes so cute when hes excited about something. To care for our two young kids. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. I thought for years that I was incapable of being competitive, and all of a sudden Im in a sport that has me knocking people down and finding bursts of speed I didnt know I hadturns out I just hated playing basketball and gave no shits. I hated sitting through long sports games. In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. You are the only one who knows whats best for you and your family. Obsessed with dolls? Yeah, in retrospect, it probably would have been better for me to join a team sport I actually wanted too, but 7th grade me was too shy to do it. I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. Instead, you never know how they are going to react to a given situation. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. he wants to teach her to drive. If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. He is also very critical of both of US Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. It can be even tougher to try to figure out what to do about it. Related- History Channel has some great programming thats HIGHLY educational but fun to watch. AITA for not driving my wife to our son's wedding since I'm not invited? And so does dad. The conflict between your husband and daughter is bound to happen. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. I watched it when I was a kid. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). i ask my son to pay 250.00 a month to pay car insurance and cell phone. Just because FOX cancelled Firefly doesnt mean its not awesome anymore. I think you are probably right. Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot.

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