Whether its the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line. Tap To Copy. Aye matey.. Could I have a few words with George?Submitted by David Miteff, An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. At your age, I wouldnt touch alcohol! Detector: Beep. Mother laughs: Ha! There they taught me how to be neutral. Im in your driveway., 47. When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Daddy! Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". Is a baby covered in cream, saying, Ah! Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. A few minutes later, he asks againstill no reply. Our doctors office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. Submitted by Dan Upham, I have always been a disappointment. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, Yeah, the service stinks! Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. Will I die? she asks. Do you own a doghouse? These smartlight bulb jokes are truly illuminating. The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. A man is on trial for armed robbery. Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have., 25. Mom: How make chicken Daughter: What? You wont look cool if you show everyone just how happy you are with your efforts! She couldnt control her pupils. Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case. That evening, he decides to go out. They left a little note, it said Parking Fine. Tim Vine. Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? Yes, Im afraid so, said the doctor. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He never had a chance!, The man says, I dont know about that. You havent been here a while, havent you? I asked. A friend and I were enjoying a coffee in our local haunt when an acquaintance stopped at our table and said, Hi, Ken. You can only stalk them and hope for the best." [Read: 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications] 6. They hurt my feelings. A. P., via e-mail. you couldn't kick jokes where is madeira citrine mined. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, Where do you get your mussels? The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, Cross-training?Submitted by Dan Grabke, Q: Whats Edith Piafs favourite airline? Youre it! That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. The older sister paused, then said, Spell mosquito. Submitted by Barthelemy Petro. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldnt get a word in. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? Honey, whats for supper? No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. ' Misir Doobay, Toronto, I dont need it, but Ill tell you who does Jen Statsky, writer. More jokes: 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh . Love you too. Laughfactory.com, Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? The first little boy says, Ill have some @#$%^& pancakes., The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. Where's my popcorn? Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?. Whats your secret for a long, happy life? I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said. I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake. Check out more bad dad jokes from Twitter that will have you chuckling. We werent looking for the same thing, she explained. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine, A cement mixer collided with a prison van. I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. "Dad comes to his son and tells him he's adopted. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. Sometimes, people just need to be told. That water is yucky!, He replied, Well, it tasted good yesterday. Tammy McKenzie, High River, Alberta, While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, DISARM TODAY! On the other side, it said, DAT ARM TOMORROW.Submitted by Jim Vandermaas, You know, people dont usually compliment me on my driving, so I was very pleased this morning when I saw a note on my car that said, Parking fine. That was very nice of them! 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes Amazing! the man says. Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!, Im always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. Look officer, Im not being a smartass. However, if you can do the raised eyebrow look, it will add a dose of irony and really? to your quote. I cant, says the poodle. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. Winston Churchill, 36. After they were caught, they finished each others sentences. He downs it, leaps off the roofand plummets 15 stories to the ground. Now, sure. Since shes in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. ._1aTW4bdYQHgSZJe7BF2-XV{display:-ms-grid;display:grid;-ms-grid-columns:auto auto 42px;grid-template-columns:auto auto 42px;column-gap:12px}._3b9utyKN3e_kzVZ5ngPqAu,._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP:before{content:"";margin-right:4px;color:#46d160}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{display:inline-block;word-break:break-word}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-weight:500}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-weight:400;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-top:13px;margin-bottom:2px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO ._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;margin-right:4px;margin-left:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y{border-radius:4px;box-sizing:border-box;height:21px;width:21px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(2),._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(3){margin-left:-9px} When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money. Laughfactory.com, Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment? Dont miss this roundup of Alex Trebeks most memorable Jeopardy! I have been working as a couples therapist for 20 years, and I know how many fights begin because someone cant take a joke.. I think my friend is dead! he yells. Theres a nasty bug going around.Submitted by D.G. Its three in the morning!Anonymous, Fortune tellers are so easy to buy clothes fortheyre all mediums. A reliable jokenever fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knowssome of us can use all the help we can get in those situations! The person on the other side of the intercom replied, Pardon me? so I repeated myself. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Are you at peace with God?, Larry replies, God and I are tight. 2023 Readers Digest Magazines Ltd. - All rights reserved, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Compiled by Andy Simmons, RD.com and Robert Liwanag, readersdigest.ca. Youll just end up looking comedic and thats not what were going for here. Young children have a unique superpower: place a toddler in a queen-sized bed and they will find a sleeping position that ensures no one else can fit in there with them. Tomorrow doesnt look good either., 37. I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. You wont believe these funny classified ads actually ran! Submitted by Rita Hickey, A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. I remember the day I earned my first dollar, he said. But wait till I take him out of the bowl.Submitted by Nancy Send, An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. Submitted by James Hewitt, Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin. Its not until an hour or two later that you come up with a one-liner to knock them off their feet. Because he broke all the records. You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. When I was five years old, I looked down at the crayons I was colouring with and sighed: When I was two, this was not what I saw myself doing at five. Need the laughs to come fast? I laughed at all of your jokes My love you didn't need to coax Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore . All Im saying is, if you caught me, then you were speeding too., 44. My computer's got the Miley virus. No, she said. What does a nosy pepper do? Then, it hit me. Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. Whats the matter? the psychiatrist asked. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?, 18. Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comediansand their best jokes! Weinstein. Today isnt your day. Crocker, you are just fine!. He replied, Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.. The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. He was a great vet. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. Then I served my country in Iraq. She seemed surprised. The son comes home in the afternoon. Marie Faustin, comedian. He needed a little space. Oh yesthe news. It's sad how my friend got his medical license revoked for sleeping with a patient. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. I never knew my real ladder. Hes in the village over the other direction.. But two weeks later, theres still no sign of the mutt. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? The steaks are too high. Submitted by Tommy Cooper, As an assisted-living caregiver, I have a 92-year-old client, Margaret, with whom I bake cookies. He must pay for his mistake. Have trouble making it to the punchline? Your mileage may vary. Never trust atoms. Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. Breathe! All rights reserved. He doesnt look at all dangerous to me. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife. I kill their plants and I love mischief. Its torturous. First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Lord, he prays. Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. I typed Bitch into my GPS and guess what? God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. Robin Williams, 5. Men are like Blackberries. He rubs it and instantly, a genie appears. ._2Gt13AX94UlLxkluAMsZqP{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:contain;position:relative;display:inline-block} A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and cola.". I thought, thats Abba-riginal. ' Tim Vine. He shouts to her, Hey, why are you crossing the road? The chicken replies, To change the light bulb in the henhouse. Can you change it by yourself, or will you need help? Submitted by Chuck Welch, Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. A: Copies. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding, 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe), 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners, 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before, 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes, 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes, 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes, 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults, 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners, 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips, 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life, 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes, 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country, 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley, 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes, 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes, 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes, Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier, 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes, 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes, 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults, 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling, The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team, 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, When spring 2023 starts in the UK and why there are different ways of calculating the first day, Ken Bruce's final show reminded us he doesn't just talk to everyone, he listens to them, too, Who hates my naked protests most? Don't be the person to initiate that. The gentleman walked over, sat beside her, ordered a drink, then turned to her to ask, Tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?Submitted by Bill Warren. Our words and actions can have the impact of feeling hurtful to our partner without us having the intention of being hurtful. Except at a funeral.Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentists office and says, I think Im a moth., The dentist replies, You shouldnt be here. 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags Ill call you back when youre alone. Jim Pietsch in The New York City Cab Drivers Joke Book, If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die. @hodgesboi15, Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them. Rita Rudner, A mom texts, Hi! 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Well, said her husband to the shaken pastor when all the commotion ending, shes there.Submitted by Norm Schmitz, One friend complains to another, All my husband and I do any more is fight. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, I bought my friend an elephant for his room. The fact that hed been dead for 40 years didnt sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?, Well, yes, she said reluctantly. Its all very well and good having a range of smartass quotes in your armory, but how do you deliver them in the right way? These smartass quotes about breakups are sure to help you out. Laugh more: Corny jokes for kids ", "I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? A book just fell on my head. Now, if youre not someone who raises their eyebrow easily, dont do it. He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. The detective asks, Is that your husband? Yes, replies the woman.

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