1 mth after we got together, he cheated and got a girl pregnant. If the person who carried the child to term (woman) wants to turn the kid over to adoptive parents to care for it, then the responsibilitys on them. Its now you, the man, the other lady and a baby involved in this situation and as far as I can see thats too much people involved already. He didnt come chasing after you. T he mystery of Tom's sudden baby endured until several years ago when I looked him up on Facebook. Fortunately, its a well known fact that theres no 100% guarantee with birth control. I think your anger is severely displaced and I think I know why if you evaluate the situation without being blinded by your inability to live without this guy, you would see that his true character is shining through and its probably not someone you really want to be with. Actually, the most powerful and damaging ever dont Gingrich, Cheney, Santorum, and Bush spring to mind. April 9, 2012, 3:57 pm. Have you ever seen an episode of the Maury show or any other talk drama show? And he put you in danger of contracting an STD because he failed to use a condom. Knowing him for two minutes is not significant at all to a woman who feels that abortion is morally wrong for religious reasons. iseeshiny I know Im not, but thats mainly because Im in a foul mood and feel feisty. Im pretty sure the guy is being called scum because of his shitty attitude towards the pregnancy and the unborn child. Dont be so quick to assume every dude who makes an observation about a real phenomenon is some embittered douche full of vitriol; you may learn something in the process. You know the risk youre taking when you do the deed. Ive grown up better being raised by a loving, supportive mother who wanted me than by two parents who didnt want to be together, one of whom readily admitted he wasnt ready or willing to be a father. If it is hers you bet she supports it. Hes a scumbag and your only choices are (1) say so now and be rid of him, or (2) wait 5 or 10 years and say Why didnt I see this 5 or 10 years ago? By then you may be after him for child support yourself, and good luck with that therell be at least one in line ahead of you every payday. Um, yeah. I see youre an ignorant homophobe too. That is what makes him a douchenozzle. That isnt misogyny. After a breakup, Bird said, some people just need "an emotional cutoff and want to remove all evidence of their ex from their life.". Thank God for the real men. Having a man use that as his birth control would be as idiotic as a women using dont worry, Ill just pull out as hers. lets_be_honest It isnt pertinent to the discussion. Then they want to fight for the loser like hes some sort of prize! Run like the wind. Whether or not she trapped him is irrelevant, in my opinion. I do think that in their blind rage, some of the commenters have backed themselves into the position that men become the property of any woman they sleep with, as well as their exs. You cant live without food. I always try to take what the LW says at face value though, and a lot of times I turn out to be very wrong when the updates come around, but I still always think its better to react to what they said not what I think they said. I get what youre saying. April 9, 2012, 4:23 pm. April 9, 2012, 12:31 pm. Maam, hes made a choice. But even though I led you to think I didnt want to become pregnant, Im going to keep the baby and thereby obligate you to two decades of child support, is, while totally within her rights, still a massive breach of the pre-coital understanding, express and implied, between the parties. The kid isnt a rapist, the mother is. April 10, 2012, 12:00 am. If a guy *does not* want to be a father, he shouldnt be having sex with women unless he knows, for sure, they have a similar attitude when it comes unintended pregnancy.. Baby, our apartment isnt big enough for a baby. I dont want to be too harsh on the LW because emotions are a messy messy thing and Im not at all eloquent when Im upset. The only one who we know is expecting him to be a father is the letter writer. lets_be_honest Someone else has assumed it. But anyone who consents to sex and is then furious at their sex partner when a baby is the outcome is an idiot. door to door service. April 10, 2012, 5:54 pm. Will he react the same? Are you kidding? Ok, so this dude: We decided to get back together as we cant bear life without each other. She didnt rape him. He could be the a killer robot. If a guy wants absolutely to avoid becoming a father, he is responsible for using additional BC or not having sex with women if he doesnt know what their stance on unintended pregnancy would be. April 10, 2012, 6:11 pm. If your ex moved on before you did, you might feel as if they won or wonder why you didn't find someone else . I could maybe understand if he was 19 and didnt know what to do. I believe I saw the C-word used at least once. WTF!!! Here he chose not to wrap it up now he made a child. Here 13 common reasons guys start missing and try to go back to their ex. Nope, none of it matters. I hope your boyfriend will reconsider not being a part of this babys life. Stop being a whiny spectator in your own life. Even if shes a lunatic psycho who got pregs on purpose, you have no one to blame but your boyfriend. Anytime you have sex, theres a chance you could get pregnant, no matter how careful you are. Scolding him for indiscretion doesnt do anything its not his OR her fault that their personalities clash. If youre a man, your time to prevent having a child is when you have sex and decide how to protect yourself. Regardless of all my snark, I really hope that if the two of you stay together you dont take your aggravation about the situation out on the child. But if Im going to have casual sex without proper protection, well then Id better damn well be prepared for the potential consequences. lets_be_honest If he didnt want a child he should have better protected himself. As for the whole mans right to not be a parent to a child thing, I agree with _jsw_. But shes having his baby and whether he likes her, loves her, or hates her, that baby is his child. Its the second set of support owed to the child we are talking about. he delivers the baby from the nursery to your house. But now no one wants to deal with it. only an ass would be furious at anyone other than himself when he becomes obligated to provide for a child that he created.. Where do stand on the fact that when a pregnancy occurs its only the woman who has to go through either an abortion or childbirth and the man never does either? As we established earlier, men dont really have the option to walk out on a fetus, because the fetus doesnt need anything from them yet (although certainly dads-to-be provide a lot of support to moms-to-be in most cases). Out of all the cries of sexism being thrown back and forth, that to me truly is sexist, assuming that a mother cannot raise a well-adjusted child by herself. original. In most cases with my clients, the girl is wanting the guy back but the guy is the one who pulled away. Boy, for someone who cant live without you, he sure didnt wait to go out and sleep with someone else! Well be together forever no matter what. is thrown around just to get in some dumb girls pants just as often as I wont get pregnant. is thrown around to trap ignorant dumbasses. What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Neither is that birth control is not infallible. Yes, he could have done worse by refusing to pay child support and not wanting to be in the child s life or being an alcoholic abusive parent, or what have you. Whoever is saying otherwise is simply wrong. If the man doesnt, apparently you feel that he should not have that option. April 9, 2012, 9:56 pm. Heres how I interpreted it. The decision to have sex is not a decision to have a child, but it always carries that risk. If he is 40 years old and still acting like a child chances are youre going to be stuck holding the bag. And oxygen. But thats a crime?. This is the set up for some serious melodrama. If there is no child at conception Steve Kellmeyer April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. Sure. SweetsAndBeats I kept waiting for someone to say this. Just keep right on thinking about yourselves as so many of you seem so want to do. 5. He should get a damn vasectomy. Twitter Debates 16-Year Age Gap Between Jaylen Brown & Mouthwatering Meemaw Bernice Burgos, Barbie Gyal Nicki Minaj Returns From Hiatus And Sets Di Road Ablaze At Trinidad Carnival 2023, Rain Pon Meeee: Ashanti Reminds Everyone How Feathered And FINE She Was At Trinidad Carnival 2019, Chaka Khan Shows No Mercy Blasting Mary J. Blige, Mariah Carey & Other Names On Rolling Stone's 'Greatest Singers' List, Funniest (And Pettiest) Tweets From NBA All-Star Weekend 2023. WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR BOYFRIENDS PROBLEM. Definitely do a paternity test to be sure but if he follows through with not being a part of the childs life, hes a scumbag. April 9, 2012, 3:07 pm. lets_be_honest Get tested for an std too because your love obviously did not use a condom. Who are we talking about now? thats why both parties should be concerned about preventing pregnancy because you have no idea what the other person is doing. You are able to get through any obstacles on your path. A condoms like 50 cents. At the point where he had options he chose one that could result in a pregnancy. Its HERS, but it does not properly belong to either one of the men. Reading your letter, you sound really immature and not ready to be kn a relationship with a man that has a child. Heres the fact: LW, you dont get a say in what this woman does, and neither does your boyfriend. We do know that the guy in question didnt use a condom (as you yourself pinted out elsewhere, LW would have def. She barely knows her new boyfriend, yet she's already pregnant with the guy's baby and is forced to plan a future with him. The man should have no say on whether or not she keeps the baby but she should have a LOT of say over his finances for the next 18 years. Its fucking unfair. April 10, 2012, 9:40 pm. Outstanding dont have kids. lets_be_honest You dont have an obligation to be faithful to an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend! I have been trying to have a rational conversation with people unfamiliar with reason. My takeaway from this is that men should never have sex unless theyre sterile or want to have children, and even then they should never have sex unless they plan to never have sex with a different person in the future because there is absolutely no way to avoid all sexually transmitted diseases aside from the complete lack of sexual contact. Im just trying to clarify the parameters here. And I appreciate that he made his decision and stuck with it, instead of deciding to drop in and out whenever he felt like. MOA, ASAP. So your boyfriend said he doesnt want anything to do with his own child (besides the child support) and you didnt run screaming the other way? Also, just food for thought, a lot of you are saying how horrible it is he wants nothing to do with his child but is willing to pay for itwould you say the same thing to someone who gave their kid up for adoption? April 9, 2012, 5:13 pm. Women have the discretion to assert paternity on a man, though he has limited rights to contest that paternity claim. This is not unlike telling women that they cannot have an abortion in that it forces parenthood when it neednt be forced. This woman might very well be lying. So, if MEN can be compelled to support children after rape, you must also support the idea that WOMEN can be compelled to support that child in the womb after THEY get raped. iseeshiny I have to take the stance that it is no ones responsibility but their own to make sure they dont get STDs. But the kid is coming, and if your BF is a decent guy, he *should* be there for his child (if he doesnt come around eventually, you may need to consider if hes someone worth being with). 3) A parent leaving their child with the other parent, especially one they barely know, isnt the same as putting a child up for adoption. Bottom line. And hes 28. I showed up late to the hot debate in the comments (damn you work lol), but to put this in perspective for me, I was born to relatively young parents and now at 25, my dad is a few years older then this gem of a man in this letter. Its not fair to create a child and then abandon it. Because women are always unfairly saddled with the burden of child birth, we will always be the ones who make the choices about whats going on in our own bodies. Is he supposed to lie and say shes a wonderful person, if she isnt? April 9, 2012, 11:40 am. He didnt. AndreaMarie He does have the right to change his mind about how involved hed like to be. You two seems very good at twisting everyones words, and then getting mad at those people for it. He said while I was away he tried to get over me with someone else and now shes pregnant with his son. Problem. First of all, it can take a bad psychological toll on someone who doesnt want to have it in the first place. and now he must deal with those consequences. As for what you do: I personally would ask him to ask the woman to get a paternity test. Always follow your gut and your instincts. Wow, that was a super bitchy thing to say. Choose. April 9, 2012, 5:05 pm. I dont know. I get unsettled and frustrated whenever I see my ex girlfriend's photos on Facebook with her boyfriend and pictures of the ultrasound of their baby. Its interesting how none of these comments address that he SPECIFICALLY said that he would have nothing to do with his own child. Women this means the pill or condom or whatever. Of course there are the people who assert that others have no right to an opinion regarding birth control, abortion, or other actions. One of the draw backs of only knowing someone for a short period of time. For anyone. And thats a double entendr. So tough shit. And whether you think its fair or not that the woman gets the final say on whether to abort or not and the father has to live with that decision, it doesnt matter. You are indiscriminate in your partner choice and/or birth control? bittergaymark You knew he would not or could not be the man you wanted. It's believed to be ineffective because for years people thought there were sperm cells in pre-cum, but that's a myth. Especially if you think the laws are unfair, I think youd be particularly cautious in your actions. Because the woman in question has to take on being pregnant for 9 months, giving birth, etc. If you were instrumental in the making of the child congratulations it is yours. I think difference is ensuring that the child is cared for. If he doesnt think hed be a good dad, he probably wont be. Youre all about putting consequeces on her choice to keep the baby what about his consequences? Life is unfair. Because last I checked, saying dramatic things like we cant bear to live without each other was reserved for 16-year-old fans of poorly-written vampire romances. Rachelgrace53 I dont think the LW can handle a relationship where another woman has her mans child. I think hes scum because hes furious with the girl he impregnated. This does sound like a lot of cod wallop and baby malarky shenanigans to me as well. Yea, it does sound even more ridiculous today. He sounds a bit flakey. You dont really get to have a say in this situation, but encourage your boyfriend to have a relationship with this child. Like being pregnant is easy. ha, Ive done too many drugs too. I have a really hard time believing that this guy who hates this woman and wants nothing to do with this child had a civil conversation with the baby mom discussing their options, while stating his preference for an abortion. I think this is a very fair and reasonable response, I wonder if she will think so too. 1. and its also appalling that he would order a woman to abort. You deserve more than you are getting but if you accept less you will get less! If you dont want to potentially end up with a kid with a woman you cant stand, dont have sex with her. Landygirl, I think we should stop feeding the trolls. So, ask yourself why do you allow it? Itll be hard work, but I genuinely think it can be done. i completely agree, it is both parties responsibilities to make sure they are preventing pregnancy AND stds. And it will need a mother and a father. You pack of hypocrites. Of course it is, but we have no way of knowing that the other woman was lying about that. Focus on that though, and you are going to have a miserable life. I cant even imagine how a grown man can be deceived into impregnating someone. Mother hits hard times and ends up going on either Medicaid or Temporary Assistance/Welfare. Im not questioning the reality of the situation Im questioning the inherent fairness of the law today. I must respectfully disagree with you. You really have no idea what child support means. If I polled my high school, and under Forms of Contraception I included Pulling Out, Im estimating (based on the number of children at my last reunion) that would be about 70% of respondents methods. April 10, 2012, 10:24 am. Because we stayed together, she caused him a lot of stress and drama by doing things like not letting him see his kids. He didn't marry you. female April 9, 2012, 6:16 pm. He also lowkey blames me because I initiated the breakup. P.S. It hurts me that he will have to go through his first child experience with someone else while I watch. Originally i had used much more crass language and forgot to delete the apology ooops! My mother taught me better than that. Look, you broke up with him because your relationship had some problems, and because of trust issues, and his inability to commit to you. Not a double standard at all. reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): A April 9, 2012, 6:35 pm, Not highly infectious, huh? April 9, 2012, 9:39 pm. Have an abortion or Ill be furious = Have fries with that or Ill be furious > Psycho. Please read our Comment Policy before commenting. Any advice on this would be appreciated as Im so confused and hurt. Im not exactly sure that the one million people currently estimated to be living in the U.S. would agree with you, but I am fairly certain the 500,000 dead definitely wouldnt. Sleeping with someone so soon after a breakup? Ive seen malarky thrown around quite a bit in this thread. Because thats really not that old. Why is he such a scummy, awful human being because hes angry with the way this has worked out that hell be on the hook for another human being until who knows when? Regardless, this guy obviously doesnt seem like anyone you want to be in a relationship with. I wish it's that easy. April 9, 2012, 10:01 am. No, he could be furious at the legal system that compelled it or at the woman (who, by the way, was equally culpable in the creation) who opts to continue with a child only she wants.. No. Its a great idea, really, for someone who is unfit and probably on the verge of abuse or something else horrible. That is a risk women take. any story where a man was forcibly stopping someone from getting an abortion- Yes, that is terrible of the man in question. Hey, say what you want about the letter but dont diss my Twilight!!! Crazy likes crazy. I feel no connection to my biological siblings, even though they desire a relationship with me. He said hes willing to give that support, he just wont be there to actually raise his future child. Nothing about that makes him the definition of immature or of an asshole.